It happens to most of us at one time or another.
We set a goal for ourselves, enthusiastically make a plan of execution, hammer out the first day or week or month of action towards said goal and we’re feeling good.
Until progress towards that goal feels slow or non-existent, then we find ourselves screaming silently into one of the seven pillows on our couch. (Because yes, I do have too many pillows to sit down on my couch…)
We talk at great length at Spurling and in the fitness industry about the importance of having a why – our goals need to have some type of meaning to us and if they don’t, it can be difficult to find ways to persist.
But sometimes even when a goal has meaning, if we don’t see some progress, there is an overwhelming sense of what’s the whole point of this?
When this feeling over-takes us, and we do throw in the towel and skip the workouts and eat whatever we want, we assume that it’s because we lack willpower, or we just weren’t disciplined enough.
Or we decide that our plan of action was flawed, and we need to find another plan of action.
Few things are more discouraging in making change than not seeing any progress. As it turns out, our brains are hard-wired to need to see success in order to continue our efforts.
There is a part of our brain that is technically called the “discrepancy-reducing, discrepancy increasing feedback loop” and “criterion velocity.” But in the book “Burnout,” authors Emily and Amelia Nagoski refer to this part of the brain as The Monitor.
Your Monitor knows what your goal is, how much effort you’re investing in that goal, and how much progress you’re making. And it’s hanging off on the sidelines of your life keeping score of your effort-to-progress ratio.
And if that ratio isn’t what the Monitor thinks it should be, you can end up with a very strong case of the “screw-its.”
So first of all, there is nothing wrong with you if you suddenly feel like throwing in the towel on your goal because you haven’t seen progress. It’s not because you lack willpower or discipline.
But it does mean that you may need to think about your goal in a slightly different way if you want to keep your Monitor from sabotaging your progress.
According to the Nagoski sisters, you need to reframe your goals in a way that satisfies your Monitor.
One of my current goals is to train Vinnie, my 8-month-old basset hound, to be a well-behaved dog who doesn’t incessantly whine when he doesn’t get his way and stops trying to climb out of the window every time Sheila leaves the house BECAUSE I’M YOUR PARENT TOO VINNIE. JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE A COVID BABY DOESN’T MEAN I’M NOT YOUR MOTHER.
Ahem.
Expecting Vinnie to be well-behaved and not the most disruptive student during puppy class is not a goal that’s going to satisfy my Monitor or preserve my sanity.
But if I re-frame the way I think about thee goal, and brainstorm incremental goals I can keep my Monitor satisfied with my progress (and Vinnie’s progress). According to the authors of “Burnout,” those goals should be soon, certain, positive, concrete, specific and personal.
Soon - your goal should be achievable.
Certain - on a scale of 1-10, how confident are you in achieving your goal? If it’s below an 8, you’ll need to adjust.
Positive - It should be something that feels good and not something that avoids suffering.
Concrete - Measurable. Put your fork down between bites during at least two meals per week.
Specific - Wanting Vinnie to be a well-behaved goal is pretty general - wanting him to listen and perform in puppy class is specific.
Personal - Why does this goal matter to you? As Doug has written about often, we need to feel connected to our why or it’s going to be hard to keep our Monitor in check.
So if you’re starting to get to a place of “what’s the point” when thinking about your goals, it might be time to take a step back, re-evaluate, and apply the criteria above.
You can do this. Whatever your “this” is.