In the last few years, I’ve been having a familiar conversation with my therapist. I show up for my weekly appointment, burdened under the weight of a busy schedule that I both enjoy, and that wears me out. She tells me to take things off of my plate - and I tell her that I can’t. Or rather, that I won’t. I have things I want to do, and I’m not slowing down yet.
So we chat about ways for me to fill my tank, and then move on to other topics.
Two weeks ago however, I revisited this subject with her yet again - but this time with a much different conclusion and insight.
We dug further in to the “why” behind my busy schedule. (and when I say busy - I am happy and love the work that I do - I just do a poor job of prioritizing self-care).
And the answer we came to?
I do what I do because of a very, very old deep-seated belief. That my self-worth is tied to my achievement.
I am only as worthy as the work that I do. As the amount of work that I do.
There are a lot of struggles that come out of that belief. That constantly doing more and being more is non-negotiable because if I stop doing then I am no longer worthy.
Intellectually, I know that’s not true. But every time I choose to do something on my project list (all of which I love) over working out or training, my decision is based out of fear. That belief means that I am living in a fearful place. I think that’s why time off can be so hard for many of us - why transitioning to retirement might feel hard.
I think that’s why sitting still can be hard.
Living and doing equals not just being, but being enough.
There is a difference between doing work with the intention of helping someone - and I do believe that much of the coaching I am privileged to do comes from a place of intention. My writing this to you (sneaking it in at 10:34 pm on Tuesday, just before my deadline) comes from a place of wholehearted intention to honestly share my struggle.
But the work that I am doing, that I am trying to do, is make my choices in how I spend my time each day out of that honest intention. Because if I believe that I am only as good - that I am only as worthy as the last thing I crossed off of my list - then that is me acting out of fear.
And so my late night mantra - my early morning mantra - my once an hour mantra - is that I don’t have to earn my worth through. achievement.
Neither do you.