Once upon a time I was a softball pitcher, and I held my own.
Big fish, small pond – you know the tune.
A few weeks ago, while home in Pennsylvania, my 10-year-old niece asked if I would teach her how to pitch (insert proud Auntie moment). So we worked on a number of different drills, but when I asked her to re-visit one of them, she balked (pun intended).
“Eh…let’s not do that one.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m not very good at it.”
Oh suh-nap. I had just made one of the biggest mistakes a coach can make. In my excitement to have her perform the drill correctly, I’d over-corrected her. I’d given too much feedback and her very natural response was to avoid the drill that didn’t come naturally to her.
She didn’t feel competent performing the drill, so she wasn’t motivated to perform the drill. It happens to many of us in many different circumstances.
I avoided lifting weights from the age of 15-33 because my first experience in the weight room involved my epic fail at the bench press. I couldn’t lift the barbell off of my chest. The message I took away was that I sucked at it and therefore I avoided it at all costs.
Feeling competent at a task has everything to do with our ability to motivate ourselves, according to the Self-Determination Theory, which suggests that people are motivated to grow and change when their psychological needs for competence, connection, and autonomy are fulfilled.
We are not motivated to do something that we’re not good at. Which is one of the reasons that exercise can feel very challenging for many people, especially if they were ever made to feel less than competent when doing any kind of exercise.
That’s one of the reasons many people have scars from experiences in gym class and playground sports. We are drawn to what we are good at – and avoid the things that we aren’t.
People need to gain mastery of tasks and learn different skills. When people feel that they have the skills needed for success, they are more likely to take actions that will help them achieve their goals.
Sometimes though, in order to move forward, we need to rely on the second piece of the SDT - connection. I was eventually able to talk Ady into trying that softball drill again, but it took her having some trust in me, and some trust in what I was saying to get back to it. She had to feel connected to me - like I was in it with her. Then she could try again.
Motivation isn’t quite as simple as only needing competence, connection and autonomy. But sometimes it can be helpful to understand that a feel of incompetence might be what’s getting in the way of your own motivation.